9 months in...9 months out.

Providing for you when you were in my belly wasn't hard. I did have to make a few adjustments (drop the wine, increase the calories) but generally speaking, I had a very easy pregnancy. Providing for you out in the world - well, let's just say it's been one of the most bumpy, emotional, rewarding experiences I've ever been through....

At first, you didn't latch on. I tried to stay calm, but was panicking inside. Once you latched, you didn't want to let go - to the point where it become extremely painful. I would cringe the second the clock struck feeding time. The agony (and I'm not exaggerating) was more than I could bare. After speaking to the doctors at one of the very early appointments, she suggested I pump one feeding to give myself some relief. So I did, and I never looked back. I pumped for a month straight. I got sick of cleaning bottles and parts, so we tried again and you latched right on (you were a PRO!). I got mastitis. I healed. It came back with a vengeance. But we made it through....and we never looked back.

Looking back it was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

We got the hang of it - and soon (just as the woman told me at the first breastfeeding class I ever went to) you were latching on yourself without me having to do anything. I went back to work in September and began pumping three times a day (9am, 12pm & 3pm) at work in a bathroom. I pumped driving to meetings, I pumped sitting outside of buildings. I pumped at a lunch break in a bathroom stall at a restaurant in Gaithersburg.

As you began to eat solid foods, I noticed a drop in my supply and started to get worried. What if I can't keep up? I rarely would leave you on the weekends in fear that my supply in the freezer would dwindle to nothing. As your 9 month birthday fast approached, I realized that almost every day I had to pull from the stash to make sure you had enough milk for daycare. I knew it was time.

There is something about being the only person that could provide you the milk that you needed - something about our evening routines where it's just you and me and I watch you drift off into a dream. While I know there will still be these nights, my heart is sad that we're done with our breastfeeding journey. It's a feeling I really can't put into words beyond this explanation. It hasn't been easy, but I wouldn't change a second of our bumpy road that ended with smooth sailing. I know you'll need me in many other ways throughout your life.

9 months in...9 months out. I've enjoyed every second of it and can't wait for what's in store.