Sustaining a life...

Generally speaking, I had a really easy pregnancy. Minimal nausea. Moderate backache. Extreme (yet short lived, which made it tolerable) heartburn. Sustaining a life was, generally speaking, pretty easy. I knew it would get a little bit more difficult to sustain the life once he entered the world, but I knew with Michael by my side and once we got into a routine it'd most likely be pretty easy. And for the most part it has been. Levi is one chill kid. He cries when he wants something (a blanket, some food, a diaper change, a position change). But once he is soothed, we get to enjoy faces like this:

I had made the decision to breastfeed Levi very early on for a few reasons:

1- It's free (and I'm not getting paid maternity leave).

2- It's convenient.

3- I HATE HATE HATE the smell of formula.

4- It couldn't be that hard. Women have been doing this... well, forever. Why couldn't I?

Within the first hour of his birth, we (Levi and I) started our journey down the breastfeeding path. It didn't go so smoothly. Marissa (our labor & delivery nurse) talked me through our first try - but Levi didn't seem to latch on properly and I had no idea what I was doing. It wasn't as easy as it was when I practiced with a doll at the breastfeeding class we attended. Everything I learned went out the window as I frantically tried to feed my son. Marissa assured me that it would get easier. Fast forward four hours or so (it was now 3am). No latch on. I was starting to panic. Put him back in! Sustaining this life was MUCH easier when he was inside. After 40 minutes of sleep in 24 hours, I was awoken by a voice over the intercom reminding me of the breastfeeding class at 8am. I jumped out of bed and off we went. I got a few helpful tips and FINALLY Levi latched on like a pro - SUCCESS! When we left our temporary home at Shady Grove, I felt very confident that I was able to sustain Levi's life with my breastmilk.

Things didn't go according to plan once we got home. I was EXTREMELY sore and Levi lost 10% of his birth weight (which our doctor said was ok - but we had to get it back up). Suddenly, sustaining this life wasn't as easy anymore. Breastfeeding wasn't as easy as I thought it was going to be. No one warned me how difficult it was - how much it would hurt (not that I'm blaming anyone - I just wasn't prepared for it). On his fifth day of life, the doctor suggested pumping my breastmilk every other feeding to give myself a chance to heal and relax. So I did and I felt SO much better. Once I started the pump, I didn't want to turn back. I was able to relax again. I wasn't wincing at the thought of feeding Levi. And Michael (actually, anyone) could feed him, too. I made myself believe it was a win - win situation. Levi was getting my milk (and not formula) and I wasn't in pain.

But deep down I was crushed. I was missing out on this amazing bonding experience that everyone talks about. Instead of looking down at his adorable face, I was attached to a machine. Instead of enjoying alone time with Levi, I was in the kitchen washing bottle after bottle. It amazes me what the female body has to go through to sustain a life. There is no rest for the weary. Women labor to bring the baby into the world and then, without a second of rest we are expected to sustain the life (without a manual). I'm not saying that men have nothing to do with raising the baby (I've said it before and I'll say it again - Michael is AMAZING with Levi), but when it comes down to it - it's on my shoulders to keep him nourished. Yeah, yeah there is formula, but I really did not want to go down that path (see reasons listed above). I continued pumping for the next 28 days, sometimes as often as every two hours. On average, the dishwasher was run twice a day. I was growing more and more impatient with the pump and my hatred for formula was slowly diminishing. It couldn't be that bad.

By Thursday, June 24th, I had frozen over 80 ounces of milk - not bad! Around 7pm on the 24th, I went into the kitchen to prepare a bottle for Levi and realized nothing was clean. I was so exhausted, I threw in the towel. I picked Levi up, went into the nursery and said to him, "Levi - we're going to do this. I'm going to be brave and work through the pain and you are going to latch on like a champ". I was brave. And he latched right on. I'm happy to report he's had 4 bottles since that night.... It was painful at first but we've really made progress.

I know that if it didn't work out and we did have to go to formula, it wouldn't have been the end of the world. I know he'll grow up to be a strong man no matter what he drinks. But I'm thrilled to be able to say that since August 24th, 2009, I have sustained his life, inside and out of the womb.